Someday My Prince Will Come

But it's not this guy-Martin from the Bronx, apparently-who emailed me on Myspace (which by the way I'm debating just getting rid of entirely). This email has not been doctored in anyway. Enjoy.


whoaaaaaaaaaaa very beautiful lady, i bet u like blah blah blah lol because i know when u get that all the time it looses i guess meaning but i do say it with respect ,so i do hope that makes a dfference.
im here thanking god i aint get hurt i fell of a ladder at work, and well dont worry my butt broke the fall lol ,so im pretty much home rubbing my butt and nieces laughing at me lol.i do hope u having a better monday than me.
did u enjoy your 4th of july weekend???get back to me


If anyone can translate that into English, they win a prize.

UPDATE!

I think that signing into Myspace triggers something that makes all crazy people look at my profile, because I just received this!


My name is John, I am 43 years old, divorce with no children, I am 6'1", I am Chinese. I live in New york, I am a CEO of a major restaurant chain, I am financially secure. i enjoy fine dining, traveling, broadway show, and gambling, I never use online dating service before, therefore I really don't know what to say, if u have ant question about me, please feel free to ask, I will answer it as truthfully as I can. I don't know why u need to use online dating, a pretty, and attractive woman like yourself, u could have any man u want, u suppose to have a lot of boyfriend already. If we are a match, I promise I will treasure u, spoil u, and pamper u. I really hope to hear from u, if not, u have a nice day.

It just gets better and better.

That Was the Week That Was

I've made it through my first week at my new job. I'm always nervous about saying anything about where I'm working. But I will say that there's a lot of potential here. My biggest issue has been that I've felt slightly overwhelmed by the whole thing. I've been questioning whether I'm truly qualified for this. I'm in ad sales, which I really don't have any experience in, and of course I'll be working with multi-million dollar companies. Granted, I'm a lowly sales coordinator, but even so. I'm trying to pretend like I know what I'm doing, and I hope I don't get found out, because something tells me this could be a really good thing for me.

I also took a perverse pleasure in the fact that my friend gave her notice at "Rhymes With the Cat." For whatever reason Pamps (the nickname given to our ineffectual vanilla boss-a former co-worker commented that she pictured him as a giant toddler in diapers, therefore "Pamps," short for Pampers) had a hard-on for her (only in the professional sense, he saved the personal lust for a different employee). He saw her as the second coming, although no one was quite sure why. I remember when she first started less than a year ago we all made an effort to keep our negative opinions to ourselves. We wanted her to see what was going on for herself. I think we were all pretty surprised at how quickly she got it. She IM'd me earlier in the week and told me that she'd received an offer from this new company, and that she was having a lot of guilt about giving notice. I told her to erase that guilt and do what was right for her, partially because it's the truth and partially because I want to see this company get what's coming to it.

And the best news of all this week was the arrival of Maya Katherine on Wednesday. This seemed to be the longest pregnancy in history. But from all appearances, my little Taco was worth the wait. I can't wait to meet her!

Now This is Happening

In honor of tonight:



Also, check out this insanely amazing interview with Stephen Colbert.

http://stereogum.com/archives/video/stephen-colbert-uses-rems-accelerate-as-a-cod-piec_008698.html

Last Night

Last night, you looked a little bit like Heath Ledger. I wasn't the only one who noticed it. Someone in the crowd behind me said it too. Perhaps it was the hat you decided to wear. It was a fedora-esq hat, something my grandfather might have worn, but you probably got it at some secondhand store in Brooklyn.

Sometimes I have a hard time being around you. Ok, always. I try and play it cool, but even after all these years, you rattle me. That's the only way I can describe it. I see you, and all of my supposed strength goes right out the window. I usually try my best to avoid looking at you at all, but I do make a point of at least saying hello. I won't let you know that you get to me, ever.

I tend to go back in time and think about those nights, years and years ago, when we wandered around the city after hours, stopping in darkened doorways and in front of the PATH station, kissing until someone made the inevitable "get a room" comment. I remember never feeling more beautiful and more confused on those nights. No one has ever evoked those conflicting emotions in me, not even D.

Will you always make me feel like this? Will I always feel both attracted to you and feel a seething hatred? Because sometimes I do. I hate you standing up there, mugging, dancing, being you. And with that, I still want to push you up against a wall and kiss that spot on your shoulder. Am I alone? Or does everyone have that one person who just will always bring them back, rattle them, make them question every step they've ever made. Maybe it's just me.

Stepping in Shit and Another Amazing Events

So yeah...I guess it's been awhile.

I think I hit a point with my blog where I began to feel that I just had to post something, anything. And I didn't want to do that because I kind of hate those sort of blogs. "I ate pizza today." Well, good for you! I guess I was just waiting for something to happen that was actually worth writing about. In the immortal words of one B. Summers, I was waiting for "something to sing about."

Last Sunday, I decided to be productive and make my way over to Bed, Bath and Beyond. I had wanted to organize my closet a bit, and we were in serious need of a new shower curtain liner. So I put in my headphones and headed up 6th Ave. I happen to really love Bed and Bath. Everytime I go there I see about a million things I don't actually need, but just look REALLY cool. Like, I don't actually need a margarita maker, but honestly, how awesome would that be to have in your home? I'm kind of like a three year old. I get very distracted by shiny things.

I managed to get what I needed, and started to make my way to check out. One of the things about living in New York City is that you get used to the fact that people bring their dogs everywhere. For me personally, I have my limits. I won't ever bring Milo into a restaurant (kind of obvious, you'd think), nor would I bring him into any sort of major store, whether it be clothing, hardware, or oh, I don't know, Bed Bath and Beyond. You'd think that if you did feel the need to bring your dog with you into one of these stores, you'd keep an eye on them. I mean, it seems like common sense, at least to me. So you can imagine my surprise when on my way to check out, I stepped in dog shit.

For a moment, my only real emotion was complete and utter disbelief. Had I stepped in the poop outside of the store, yes, I would have been annoyed, but it would have seemed a little more logical. Stepping in shit by the coffee makers in BB&B couldn't really register in my tiny little brain. And now what? There appeared to be no managers anywhere, no bathrooms nearby. I had shit on my shoe. And I just wanted to take my pretty new shower liner and get the hell out of there. Herein lay my predicament. Did I make a scene, or just figure out how to go on without drawing too much attention to my situation? What did I choose to do? I chose to drag my foot along the ground, wiping the crap along the floor. Horrible, I know. And when I got up to pay, fearing I might stink, I stood a good 10 feet away from the cashier. As soon as I got out of the store, I stepped into a murky puddle and made my way back home, still completely baffled by what had just happened to me.

It's been said that stepping in shit is actually good luck. As I made my way home on Sunday, I couldn't quite see that being the case. Now, I'm beginning to think there might be something behind that old wives' tale. On Thursday, I went on a job interview. Thursday afternoon, I was given an offer by that job that I absolutely could not pass up, and will probably end up changing my life. And yesterday, I gave my notice at "Rhymes With the Cat." I've been trying to get out for so long, and apparently all it took was a little dog shit to make it happen. Go figure.

Question of the Week

A few weeks back, I went out with a guy that I ended up having mixed emotions about. He was really nice, but I didn't think the attraction was there. But even so, I debated giving him a second date. So, we were talking the other day, and I'm not quite sure how it came up, but he informed me that he has the Macarena on his Ipod. This admission was met with stunned silence from me.

So the question is...would this be a total dealbreaker to you? Because my GOD it's completely one for me. There's just no good reason it should be there, not even for irony's sake. Granted, I have some rather embarrassing things on my Ipods, but nothing that even touches the Macarena's level of horror.

Now This is Happening

I love this song. And I love Mike Nesmith. So sue me.

My Dog is Fat

This is my dog.



My dog is fat.

I learned this on Saturday when I took him to the vet for his yearly check up. I take him to a vet on Long Island, mostly because it's cheaper than taking in the city, but also because this particular vet and her staff were particularly caring with Aristotle and have been great with the world's oldest dog, Mookie (who incidentally will be turning 19 in two days). Up until this point, I've felt just fine bringing Milo to her, and truth is I probably will still bring him to her. But she shamed me. And made me cry.

The last time Milo went in for his shots was in August, and he weighed 50 lbs. The vet informed me that this was a good weight for him, and all was well. I had noticed a little bit of a tummy on him (and on me, for that matter) but I chalked it up to winter time inactivity. Well, when Milo got on the scale on Saturday, he weighed a whopping 58 lbs. 8 lbs on me might cause some general pant-buttoning discomfort. On a dog, it's a lot.

We started talking about his eating habits-he's been really picky lately so I've been overcompensating by giving him a spoonful of wet food with his dry. She told me I should probably stop that, and just let him eat what's there. Then we talked about how the boo-boo he's had on his foot for a couple of month is due to his boredom. So the vet looked at me and said "What do you do for a living?" I told her, but then said that hopefully my employment situation would be changing by June. She then asked me if I had a dog walker. I told her that no, I didn't because I can't afford one. She looked at me like I'd just told her that I regularly set Milo on fire. I believe she actually said "really?" as if I was making this up. As if I'm hoarding money and I purposely have driven my dog to obesity and fits of boredom.

So...it looks like lighter food and more exercise for Dr. Milo M. Pup. Actually...looks like lighter food and more exercise for me as well. The truth is that I don't really move around as much during the cold weather. And I know once it warms up, we'll be out and about as usual. I'm basically just trying to get the vet's voice out of my head and assure myself that this dog is loved (good God is he ever) and is taken care of, and hopefully next time we go visit he'll be a trim 50 lbs once again.

One Ton of Fanmail

I'm really bummed about Patrick Swayze. Really. So to cheer myself up, I found this. I'll see if I can find video later.

http://snltranscripts.jt.org/90/90dfeud.phtml

A Sure Way...

...to make sure I won't be contacting you on Jdate: Posting a picture of yourself with Criss Angel.

My subscription is up this week, and I am happy to go. If anyone has any suggestions on a better dating site, let me know, because I'm truly over this shit.

Why Yes...

...I am watching the Jackass 24 Takeover on MTV, how did you know? Is it because I'm actually a 12 year old boy who finds this shit utterly hilarious? Yeah, that's probably it.




Speaking of Jackasses (and not the hilarious variety)....

Last night I went out to see the band Tandy play at Lakeside Lounge over in Alphabet City. I was mostly going to see my darling Abe, who along with the lovely Nicole has abandonded the rest of the Small Wigs and moved out to LA. I got there early to have drinks with my Lovah Matt. (Side note. Everytime I see my BMG friends I have the best time. I've known these people for maybe seven years and all of them have been some of the most consistent and loyal friends. I love them like crazy). I stayed for a few songs-Tandy is excellent, and I highly recommend checking out their stuff. As I was walking out I caught sight of a familiar face. It took me a second to realize it was Brian. I haven't seen him since I moved out. Watching him recognize me was truly a fascinating thing. Several emotions crossed his face-first recognition, then anger, then a slight hint of sadness and finally something that resembled terror, as if I was actually going to confront him. I did no such thing. I walked right past, leaving him to wonder. And I got this weird rush from ignoring him too. He doesn't even deserve me fighting with him.

And with that, back to watching Johnny Knoxville Nair one of the other Jackass guys' head.

My Best Friend

Either Jen's hormones are out of control or she's smoking crack. Or perhaps it's a combination of both. To wit:

I was staring at the map of the NY subway system on my wall.

Have you ever noticed that NY looks like the male genitalia? Manhattan is the flaccid penis, with Queens and Brooklyn the testicles. I guess that would make Staten Island the ejaculate.

I Think I've Just Met "The One!"

Recieved from Jdate only moments ago. I think he's the man of my dreams!


Hi How are you today? I just love bouth youre picture and Youre profile.
I like to go out to dinner and to the movie's. I like to travel and I like to lisen to all types of music. I wood just love to hear from you. Email me.
Jonathan



I think it's time to find a new dating site, don't you?

Stalking the WGA Picket Line, Part Two

The Writers Guild was striking outside the Time Warner Center again. I just watched the following people walk around in circles:


Seth Meyers (looking insanely hot with a strike beard)

Rachel Dratch (cuter in person)

Michael Moore (fatter in person)

David Chase (creator of The Sopranos, 'nuff said)

Judah Friedlander (maybe he's stalking me)

and...



TINA FEY



I am officially in love with her. It's bad. I would have her babies if she asked. I told Kim that I might write her in on the Presidential ballot. Then I contemplated kidnapping her. I think I would have gotten trouble for that, though.

In Response to Tonight's State of the Union Address

Sign that the End is Near

"Meet the Spartans" was the number one movie in the country this weekend.

I have no words.

"Taco or Hot Dog?"

And the answer is....




...and I am very happy.

I Watch TV

And now, the latest installment of "I Watch TV!"

My latest find is the absolutely insane "Tim and Eric, Awesome Show, Great Job!" There's not really a great way to describe it other than total weirdness. Tim and Eric are clearly influenced by Python and Mr. Show (as evidenced by Bob Odenkirk's constant presence and the appearance from time to time of David Cross). They've created a slightly creepy and occasionally off-putting world where people who would normally only be found on public access live amongst the likes of Jeff Goldblum. My particular favorites include Jan and Wayne Skylar (the Only Married News Team) and everyone on the Uncle Muscles Show (as played by Weird Al), especially Casey and His Brother. "Tim and Eric" is definitely not for everyone, which is probably why I can't stop watching.

Here are two of my favorite moments from recent episodes. And of course neither features Tim or Eric.

Leggy Leggy Leggy Leggy

The most played song on my Ipod, courtesy of Robyn's mix.

The More You Know!

I was just out walking Milo, and I decided to head up to the Mud Truck and grab a cup of coffee while I was out. As we made our way back home, I was suddenly stopped by an old woman who said, "Miss, can I just say one thing to you?" Automatically I assumed she was going to start in about something regarding Milo, maybe that people around her building don't clean up after their dogs, or something to that effect. Instead, she informs me that I should NEVER walk and drink liquids at the same time. Apparently, this causes hypertension and diabetes. She then attempted to make an analogy regarding walking and drinking and diving into a swimming pool, but sadly (and unsurprisingly), it made little to no sense. However, you'll be thrilled to know that eating and walking is just fine! So I did what I always do when coming across a crazy person. I smiled, told her I'd take her advice into consideration, and hurried away, as she continued muttering to herself about how rich the hospitals were getting off of people like me.

Swingin' Hoff

This picture has been bringing me joy all week.






Go to http://www.coedmagazine.com/entertainment/4344 for more Hoff related goodness.

Happy New Year, Y'all!